The Boy from Jurassic Park’s College Application Essay

Julia Drake:

However, my experience on the park was more than a simple voyage of academic discovery. It was also a complicated and profound transition into adulthood. I overcame copious obstacles such as surviving a Tyrannosaurus rex attack, escaping from a treed car, and being electrocuted by a high-voltage fence. Overcoming these obstacles required great courage and also newfound maturity. Indeed, the adult traits I acquired surviving dinosaurs will make me an enthusiastic and passionate member of a college community, whether I brave a Friday night dance or experiment in a new discipline, such as figure drawing.

Pretty, pretty—pretty—pretty good.


The Secret Fantasies of Adults

Jazmine Hughes:

“Hi, it’s [tenuous friend]! I know we were supposed to go to [horrible activity] at [terrible bar] in [Queens], but I’ve been reading between your tweets, and . . . I just think you deserve an evening eating Popeyes in your underwear. Do you want my HBO GO password?”



A Generic College Paper

Jon Wu:

“Massive block text to lend legitimacy to this sorry endeavor.”
— Legitimate-sounding Anglo Saxon name (year between 1859 and 1967)

You hear that? That’s the sound of every Freshman Comp/Academic Writing teacher in America nodding violently while reading this pitch-perfect piece.