This Was Not Supposed To Be a Haunted Hay Ride

Django Gold, writing for McSweeney's Internet Tendency

Attention, passengers! I need you all to listen to me right now! Put down your souvenir Smallwood Farms cider mugs and pay attention. There can’t be any uncertainty surrounding what I’m about to say to you: This is not a haunted hayride, and the horrific events of the last 15 minutes were not planned or scripted in any way.
Truly, none of the madness that you have witnessed today was intended as part of our Fall Fun Time Hayride. Not the strands of animal entrails decorating this remote stretch of forest, not the sinister laughter echoing around us, and most crucially, not the berserk individuals who have been raiding our hayride wagon. Actually, it would in fact appear that these maniacs wish us very real harm.
his isn’t a joke. We are all in terrible danger.

Happy Halloween! 

(Especially to my wife and daughter, the two cutest Mario World characters that I know.)